grief and loss

Profound loss is surely one of the most difficult experiences to endure. Grief is an entirely natural human response to loss, and yet it can be mentally, emotionally and physically debilitating, often rendering us helpless, fearful, exhausted and confused.

Despite popular belief, grief does not unfold as a series of definable stages or according to a predetermined timeline. Your grief journey is as unique as you are. With a bereavement, your experience of grief will be influenced by the circumstances of the death and the nature of your relationship with the person (or animal) who died. With the many other types of losses — including: relationship/marriage loss; job loss; ill health; geographical relocation — the qualities and intensity of your grief will naturally vary according to circumstances of the loss and its effect on you.

You may experience a whole range of emotions with grief. While sadness and sorrow are common, many people are surprised to feel anger, resentment, relief, peace or nothing at all. These are all natural responses to loss. Whatever it is that you’re feeling, for the sake of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health, it is important to mourn your loss; to express the emotions of grief that you feel. Grief that is ‘unmourned’ has a way of waiting until the next opportunity, to present itself. This is why a less significant loss can trigger deeper feelings from previous losses, even many years hence.

Counselling can help you find your path through the dark forest of your grief. As an experienced and compassionate grief companion, counsellor and group facilitator, I offer an open, loving presence and gentle support; a place for your unique story of loss and all of your experiences to be warmly held and received. When we muster the courage to fully face what is lost, we open ourselves to that which is yet to be found. It is a deep honour and privilege to companion others on this intimate and sacred journey.

Continue reading for information about some especially challenging types of grief: complicated grief, anticipatory grief, and disenfranchised grief. To discuss how grief counselling might be helpful for you, simply reach out to organize a free consultation conversation using the form at the bottom of this page.

complicated grief

Grieving a loss is always difficult, but sometimes it is made more so by the nature of the death or the circumstances surrounding the loss. Complicated grief is not an illness or a disorder, it is simply grief that is complicated by other factors, for example:

stigmatised losses like suicide, homicide, accident or overdose.
a difficult relationship with the deceased.
strained relationships with family members who are also grieving the loss.
struggles with other life issues including health (physical or mental), family conflicts, or financial stress.
previous 'unmourned' losses.
multiple deaths – at the same time, or close together.

By recognising and attending to the complicating factors in your grief — practically, emotionally, and, where appropriate, spiritually — you can free yourself from entanglements in the process, and gently find your way forward.

Photo: Sebin Thomas

anticipatory grief

As the name suggests, anticipatory grief refers to the pain of an impending loss. People diagnosed with a terminal illness and those facing the death of a loved one will often experience anticipatory grief, but it can also arise due to circumstances not associated with death, including, for example: the loss of a body part; an impending separation or divorce; or the prospect of children leaving home.

Some symptoms of anticipatory grief are:

loss of emotional control
fear, irritability and anger
loneliness and isolation
anxiety and worry
guilt
intense preoccupation with the dying person
mourning changes in the loved one’s personality or physical appearance
rehearsal of the death
attempts to adjust to the consequences of the loved one’s end of life
depression

Many people carry the burden of anticipatory grief over a long period. Counselling can help lighten that load, by creating space and support for you to acknowledge your feelings of grief as they arise, and to gently plan and prepare for the eventual loss.

disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially accepted or publicly mourned. People experiencing disenfranchised grief often feel especially isolated and unsupported because their loss is not socially recognised as significant. Disenfranchised grief usually falls into the following categories:

Relationships that are unrecognized:

the death of a casual partner or ex-partner, especially when you remained close
LGBTQ+ people who aren’t out and feel unable to grieve the loss of a partner
polyamorous people who lose a non-primary partner
the death of an online friend or pen pal
the death of a relative you never knew, like an sibling or absent parent.

Relationships considered less significant, including:

an animal companion or pet
a student, teacher, or mentor
a therapy client or patient
a co-worker or colleague
a friend’s child.

Frequently stigmatised losses:

death by suicide or overdose
infertility
miscarriage or a stillborn child
abortion
a person from whom you are estranged due to addiction, impairment, or mental health issues
a loved one convicted of a crime and imprisoned.

Under-recognised non-death losses:

dementia or Alzheimer’s disease
years lost to abuse, neglect or addiction
an adoption that doesn’t go through
loss of material possessions
loss of one’s home or country
loss of freedom, safety or independence
loss of mobility or health.

It is important to remember that disenfranchised grief is always a subjective experience. Two people experiencing the same kind of loss may receive different reactions from their friends and community such that in one case the loss is recognised and sanctioned, and in the other it is not.

One indication that you might be experiencing disenfranchised grief is a sense of shame. Grieving a loss that is unrecognised, considered unworthy or even stigmatised by those close to you, or society at large, is often extremely difficult, and can increase the possibility of emotional distress, substance abuse and depression.

Photo: Eberhard Grossgasteiger

Photo: Casey Horner

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver

Casey Homer