This article is the essence of an interactive session I provided for the lovely people at the St. Albert Bereavement Fellowship, on Tuesday 9th April, 2024.
In 1996, a Dr. Lois Tonkin – a grief counsellor, educator and writer from New Zealand, who died in 2019 – published an article in which she told the story of being in a workshop with a mother whose child had died some years before. The woman had made a series of drawings to show the difference between how she’d imagined her grief journey would be and the way it had actually unfolded.
The drawings showed that initially the woman had felt completely filled and consumed by her grief and her expectation had been that over time the grief would reduce and become smaller. However, in this woman’s experience, what happened was that the grief had remained the same size, and over time, her life became larger to expand around it; her grief was still there, still a part of her, but as her life had slowly expanded around her loss, she saw that she could choose to spend time with her grief, but that she could also experience the other aspects of her life as well.
I often explore this model with grief counselling clients. Most people seem to find it helpful, because it suggests that loss is not something you ‘get over’, but rather, something you learn to live with. That life not only goes on, but that it is possible to grow in spite of your loss, and also, perhaps surprisingly, because of it.
What does it take to “grow around grief”?
Growing around grief is unlikely to occur until months or years after a profound loss, but even in the early stages of a grief journey it can be helpful to be open to the potential for you to learn, grow and be changed by your experience. Here’s some tips:
Acknowledge the loss
It is not possible to grow from a place of denial or avoidance. Acknowledging the reality of your loss, as well as the pain that you feel, is essential. As is understanding that it is common to feel physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually unravelled by loss.
Explore the shape and texture of your grief
Create space and time to allow yourself to feel the impact of your loss and find ways to express your feelings openly with trusted companions. Share stories, memories, reflections and regrets. Be honest about the nature of your relationship with the person who passed. Remember that ALL emotions are welcome in this process.
Notice the signs, or seeds, of new growth
Signs of new growth, as and when they arise, may include new or renewed interests or hobbies, connections, relationships, practices and personal strengths. Sometimes the seeds of newness are tiny, especially to begin with; for example, a different way of doing a daily task, or a new appreciation for some aspect of your home, environment or neighborhood. These signs and seeds may emerge amidst the pain of loss, or between the waves of grief as they become less relentless over time.
Nurture the newness
Having noticed any new growth you need to nurture it. A key part of my role as a grief counsellor, is helping people to nurture these delicate new shoots as they appear. Working with a trusted guide can help you care for what is newly emerging in you; giving you permission to explore, to dream and to do things that help you to learn from your loss, integrate its gifts, and find your unique way forward in life.
Practical suggestions for encouraging growth
Walking the path of grief is challenging, but with willingness and support, it is a path that can lead to increased resilience and personal growth. Growing around grief will look different for everyone, because where our grief journey leads us is as unique as the journey itself. Below are four practical suggestions:
1. Map your journey
Map your grief journey up to this point by drawing it in any way that makes sense to you. Then, stand back and take in the whole of it.
What do you notice?
Identify and mark moments or elements that are a source of wisdom, insight and strength.
Use this visual representation to contemplate how loss has shaped you in unexpected ways.
Keep renewing and revising your map as your journey continues and unfolds.
2. Experiment and explore
Is there something you’ve dreamt of doing but life always got in the way? Create space to experiment and explore. Notice changes in yourself or in the things that you’re drawn towards. Reconnect with parts of you that may have been undernourished or unseen for some time. Allow yourself to be inspired by a quality, trait or talent that your loved one possessed. Free yourself of any and all imagined constraints and see what emerges!
3. Let your creative juices flow
How might you creatively express the language or experience of your loss? Consider dancing, photography, music-making, scrapbooking, drawing, sculpting, singing, sewing, gardening, cooking, writing, painting, acting, making pottery, knitting, making jewelry or working with wood.
What might you create to honour your journey, your experience, or your loss?
4. Set bold goals
Don’t be afraid to set bold new goals for yourself; goals that align with, and support, your evolving sense of self after your loss.
Consider goals or objectives that reflect your past and your present, as you imagine your way into a meaningful future—one which acknowledges and respects the scars and gifts of your journey with grief.
Final thoughts
The idea of “growing around grief” is, I think, a simple way to describe the long, often complex, process of reflection, exploration and change that profound loss can provoke.
It emphasizes that, in spite of the scars of our losses, life continues to evolve and flourish. It reminds us to acknowledge the pain of grief while giving permission for the discovery of new growth as we integrate our losses into a meaningful life narrative.
Remember, healing often begins with acknowledging and sharing your experience, your story. You are not alone on this path. Grief is a path to be walked with trusted companions; honouring the losses that shape us, while finding hope in the new growth that life draws forward.
Comments