More than memory: embracing connection beyond death
This post is the essence of a presentation I provided for the lovely people at the St. Albert Bereavement Fellowship, on Tuesday 8th September, 2026.
Continuing Bonds
A continuing bond is defined as the presence of an ongoing inner relationship with the deceased person by the bereaved individual.
Stroebe & Schut, 2005
The Continuing Bonds theory of grief proposes that a healthy, adaptive response to the loss of a loved one does not require “letting go" or ending our connection. Instead, it suggests that healthy grieving involves finding ways to maintain a continuous, evolving relationship with the deceased person throughout the rest of your life.
In 1996, the book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief—based on research by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman—challenged Western psychological perspectives which suggested that connecting with a deceased person's presence was pathological—a sign of unresolved grief or denial. This research showed that when someone we care for dies, the relationship doesn’t end—it changes.
The Continuing Bonds model invites us to maintain a connection with the person who has died, as a natural and healthy way of processing grief. This ongoing ‘connection’ can manifest in various ways, including:
Internal dialogues: Talking to the deceased to ask for guidance or to share news.
Rituals and memorials: Visiting a gravesite or favourite scenic spot, lighting a candle, or creating a project in their name.
Keepsakes and ‘linked objects’: Preserving meaningful physical items, like jewelry, clothing, or photographs.
Behavioral anchors: Making decisions based on what the person would have wanted or by valuing things they taught you.
Sensory experiences: Feeling their presence nearby or experiencing vivid dreams about them.
For many of us, healing involves attending to the bond that remains between you and you loved one. Perhaps you have noticed their presence, or felt the love for them that continues to flourish in your heart. Deepening that connection through exploring positive feelings or cherishing admired attributes is valuable to your adjustment process.
With continuing bonds we acknowledge that grief is ongoing—that it never ends, that it isn’t something you “get over". It’s something that becomes part of you. The fundamental idea is that our relationships endure and this helps us to make meaning in our lives even in the wake of death.
Most importantly, continuing bonds are not about reliving the past, they are located in the present. The bond with your loved one is a relationship that remains. How you nourish and nurture that bond is up to you.
After-Death Communications (ADCs)
The continuation of a relationship or bond, beyond death, will often include some form of “after-death communication” with the deceased. After-Death Communications (ADCs)—which are sometimes referred to as “extraordinary experiences”—are physical, mental, or sensory occurrences that are perceived as a continued connection to the deceased.
ADCs usually fall into one of four categories:
Dreams and Visitations: The deceased appear in dreams that are often described as exceptionally vivid, realistic, and emotionally lucid by comparison with other dreams.
Sensory Experiences: Hearing a voice, sensing a presence, smelling a familiar scent (like perfume or smoke), or feeling a physical touch (such as a hug).
Electrical Phenomena: Televisions or radios turning on or off, lights flickering, or other electrical devices activating without a logical explanation.
Synchronicity and Signs: Repeatedly encountering numbers, symbols, songs, birds, butterflies or other animals that hold deep, personal significance to the deceased.
While often quite mysterious, after-death communications are surprisingly common. Studies conducted on various populations have found that bereaved people experience ADCs in 31-82% of cases (Streit-Horn, 2014). These numbers include people who were previously doubtful about the validity of such experiences—including, for example, a sceptic who was rattled when a radio began spontaneously playing during his wedding. Experiencing after-death communication does not require religious or spiritual beliefs—people who identify as atheists report these experiences as well.
After death communications are often helpful and comforting in the context of a continuing bond. A substantial amount of research has emerged in recent times, with studies recognising ADCs as helpful, reassuring, transformative, and positive in some capacity for most experiencers. This is supported by many clinical experts in thanatology, psychology, end-of-life care, and medicine: ADCs are non-pathological experiences that are often supportive, meaningful, and affirming for the bereaved.
Allowing the bond to change and grow
What if the relationship you had with the person who died was complicated? What if you didn’t get along? Perhaps they were unkind to you. You may be asking: Why would I want to continue that relationship?
Sometimes the circumstances or timing of a person’s death leave us holding unexpressed hurts or harbouring unresolved pain. For example, following the death of an abusive parent. Or when an adult child, with whom you are estranged, dies suddenly. Perhaps your relationship with the person who passes is at an especially low point at the time of their death, or harsh words were spoken in the days or hours before they died. In situations like these we are often left to mourn both the loss of the person we cared about and the state of the relationship itself. It can seem like things are “stuck in time” at the moment of death and that nothing can be done to address this.
It is also common to idealise a person after they die, but elevating someone above reality can lock in guilt and unresolved pain. For your own healing, health and wellbeing, it is important to acknowledge the person, and your relationship with them, as they really were—including any flaws and struggles.
The good news, is that through belief in an ongoing bond you have an opportunity not just to continue the relationship, but to change it.
Repairing relationship rifts
To help yourself address a ruptured relationship, consider engaging in a simple ritual that is intimate and relevant to both you and the deceased. For example, by:
Offering a sincere apology for any wrong–doing or regrets on your part. You can do this in writing, or by imagining the person seated in front of you.
Recognising or honouring an aspect of the person or the relationship that you are grateful for, for example by continuing a tradition or supporting a cause they cared about.
Expressing understanding, compassion and/or forgiveness towards the other, when available. Again, how you choose to convey this is up to you.
Writing yourself a letter of love from the one who has passed. Imagine what they might have wished they had told you, from the depths of their heart.
What is important is your sincerity—in any action that you take. It’s not about forcing something that doesn’t feel right for you. However, when you allow yourself to imagine—as fully as possible—that real communication is occurring, you invite true healing. Believing or trusting that a different relationship is now possible for you and the other, can demonstrably improve the shape and texture of your grief, while helping you to feel more relaxed and comfortable in the bond.
It is important to keep old images and memories from dictating the nature of the relationship after death. Be open to new possibilities. You have the power within yourself to create and recreate your relationships, to heal old wounds, to experience deep intimacy. Reconnect with your beloved, restore the lost dialogue, transform an absence into a presence. All that is keeping you from a sense of connection with your loved one is your unused imagination.
Alexandra Kennedy Your Loved One Lives on Within You
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To conclude the session at the St. Albert Bereavement Fellowship, I read Andrea Gibson's incredible "Love Letter from the Afterlife", a piece they wrote not long before their own passing in 2025. Watch Andrea read it to their wife, Megan, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXSu_qm8mk8&t=37s
References:
Kennedy, A. (1997). Your Loved One Lives on Within You: A Beautiful and Inspiring Approach to Handling Unresolved Grief. Berkley Books.
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.
Streit-Horn, J. (2011). A systematic review of research on after-death communication (ADC) (Doctoral dissertation, University of North Texas). University of North Texas Libraries, UNT Digital Library.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2005). To Continue or Relinquish Bonds: A Review of Consequences for the Bereaved. Death Studies, 29(6), 477–494.
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