Three Questions for Therapists

In consult conversations with potential clients I encourage and enjoy responding to questions—about therapy, how I work, how a session might flow, my background or anything else. Just the other day someone asked: How would I know if we're a good fit? What a great question! It led me to thinking about the questions that I might ask a potential therapist now that I am one. I think my top three would be as follows:

Alexander Pemberton

1. Have you had therapy? I was shocked to discover that the majority of counselling psychology graduate programs do not require their students to undertake a course of personal therapy. Becoming a therapist without ever having been seated in the client's chair is a bit like becoming a chef when you've never eaten food. Okay, not really... but you get my drift. It's actually way more dangerous, in my view, because it can indicate that you've not "done your own work" or, worse still, that you don't believe you have anything to learn. What I wonder most is, how can you truly understand the service you are providing if you've never experienced the benefits yourself?
   

2. How do you take care of your own wellbeing? Counselling is a psychologically demanding activity and therapists can, and often do, become burned out, especially when a consistent self-care regime is not in place. This question is asking: Does this therapist walk their own talk? For example, Have they built and sustained their own meditation practice, or do they just teach mindfulness in session? Trust your intuitive sense about the person in front of you. Do they appear to be in good health? Are they at ease with themselves? Do they seem clear, grounded and calm? If it is true that we can only teach what we know, then an exploration of this question can be very revealing.
   

3. Why do you do this work? In my experience, the desire to "help people" is often misplaced, especially when coupled with an unwillingness to help/know/grow oneself first (see question 1.).

   However, a question like this is intended to reveal the therapist's values and beliefs so that you can decide if these resonate. Words like fix, heal, grow, guide or serve each point to different underpinning values and beliefs, especially with respect to the practice of counselling therapy and the nature of the relationship between therapist and client. Listen carefully. Language is information.

People seeking psychological services today are often aware of various therapeutic modalities or methods—like CBT, EMDR, IFS, DBT, SE and so on—and will consequently search for a therapist who applies their preferred method. However, research consistently shows that the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client has the biggest influence on whether therapy is effective—not the modality applied. So finding a good 'fit' is actually more important than anything else.

In answer to the original question—How would I know if we're a good fit?—I will generally invite a client to tune into how they felt during our consult conversation. Were they comfortable and at ease in my presence and in our shared space? Did they feel heard, understood and respected by me? Did they experience me as trustworthy, authentic and relatable? Some people also seem to enjoy my Australian accent, my tendency to swear occasionally, and my capacity for humour and amusement, but I'm not sure there's much I can really do about all that. ;-)