Last night, the theme of the seven-week bereavement support group I am currently facilitating, was: Continuing Bonds. In grief-and-loss-land, a continuing bond is defined as “the presence of an ongoing inner relationship” between a bereaved person and their deceased loved one (Stroebe & Schut, 2005, p. 477). Continuing bonds may involve a wide variety of behaviours and experiences including: remembering, reminiscing, or speaking of the deceased; sensing the presence of the deceased or hearing their voice; vivid dreams; internalized values and beliefs espoused by the deceased, and; individual or shared activities to honor or connect with the deceased (Jahn & Spencer-Thomas, 2014; Levi-Belz, 2017; Root & Exline, 2014).
When the newly-bereaved learn about the potential for a beyond-death relationship with a beloved family member, partner or friend, this often comes as revelation. Many of us have absorbed now-outdated models of grief which encouraged a ‘severing of attachment’ to the deceased (Klass & Goss, 1999); a strong recommendation to, essentially ‘say goodbye’, and ‘move on’. However, in recent decades, research has shown, instead, that the vast majority of after-death communication is beneficial to the bereaved, and is often described as healing, transformative, or life-changing, by those who experience it (Benore & Park, 2004; Exline, 2021; Jahn & Spencer-Thomas, 2014; Parker, 2005).
In the group discussions I’ve led on this topic, the most frequent response from people is a sense of “permission” to enjoy and nurture the invisible, mysterious, yet deeply felt, connection we may experience with our loved ones on the other side. If 80% of a room of 30 people raise their hands when asked: “Do you regularly experience your loved one’s presence?”, this can be a validating and affirming experience. The most common word I hear when asking people how they feel when they experience a deceased loved one’s presence, is “comforted”.
Extraordinary experiences (EEs), as defined within the context of bereavement and grief, are experiences that “occur at the time of, or after the death of someone” and which signify “contact or communication with the deceased” (Parker, 2005, p. 257). After-death communication (ADC) is defined as a “spiritual experience that occurs when someone is contacted directly and spontaneously by a deceased family member or friend” (Guggenheim & Guggenheim, 1995). EEs and ADCs can overlap with, or be part of, continuing bonds, but they more openly include the metaphysical and spiritual, including the belief in an afterlife (Benore & Park, 2004; Exline, 2021; Root & Exline, 2014; Parker, 2005).
Continuing bonds have been shown to be adaptive responses to the grief process which can foster and enable acceptance of death, psychological well-being and spiritual growth (Parker, 2005). For individuals with spiritual belief systems, continuing bonds not only assist meaning-making, after a death, they also reinforce the framework through which the bereaved conceptualizes and experiences their unique spirituality (Parker, 2005). Extraordinary experiences and after-death communication can reinforce personal beliefs which facilitate spiritual growth and diminish existential anxiety, thereby generating a sense of psychological well-being (Parker, 2005).
What I love most about discussing ‘continuing bonds’, ‘extraordinary experiences’ and ‘after-death communication’, is the way these conversations invariably stretch and reshape our previously held opinions and beliefs about what is real, what is known and what is helpful. In the moment, in the room, it’s like the lid comes off, and suddenly nothing is too weird, too strange, or too ‘out there’ to share. It’s liberating and inspiring and we can freely float about in the mystery of it all, together. Last night, as an example, our conversation included a shared marveling at how little we really know about connection. Not just connection between the dead and the living, but connection between people, and connection between humans, animals, plants and the entire planet. And how recent discoveries about the connective capacities of trees and fungi seem to prove that point.
One of the gifts of loss – when we are ready to see it - is that it forces us to examine corners in ourselves we didn’t know we had. Long-held beliefs and assumptions are regularly revealed, challenged and overthrown by our undeniable experiences with the intangible, the inexplicable and the unknown. For those of us new to metaphysical or mystical realms, the felt presence of a deceased loved one may, initially, be an unsettling experience, but when our hearts and minds open wide enough to realize how little we actually know about the connective potential of love, then, something else altogether becomes possible.
References:
Benore, E. R., & Park, C. L. (2004). Death-specific religious beliefs and bereavement: Belief in an afterlife and continued attachment. International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 14(1), 1–22.
Exline, J. J. (2021). Psychopathology, normal psychological processes, or supernatural encounters? Three ways to frame reports of after-death communication. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 8(3), 164–176. https://doi.org/10.1037/scp0000245
Guggenheim, B., & Guggenheim, J. (1995). Hello from heaven: A new field of research-after-death communication confirms that life and love are eternal. Bantam.
Jahn, D. R., & Spencer-Thomas, S. (2014). Continuing bonds through after-death spiritual experiences in individuals bereaved by suicide. Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 16(4), 311–324. https://doi.org/10.1080/19349637.2015.957612
Klass, D. & Goss, R. (1999). Spiritual bonds to the dead in cross-cultural and historical perspective: Comparative religion and modern grief. Death Studies, 23(6), 547–567, https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899200885
Levi-Belz, Y. (2017). Relationship with the deceased as facilitator of posttraumatic growth among suicide-loss survivors. Death Studies, 41(6), 376–384.
Parker, J. S. (2005). Extraordinary experiences of the bereaved and adaptive outcomes of grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death & Dying, 51(4), 257–283. https://doi.org/10.2190/FM7M-314B-U3RT-E2CB
Root , B. L., & Exline, J. (2014). the role of continuing bonds in coping with grief: Overview and future directions. Death Studies, 38(1), 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2012.712608
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2005). To continue or relinquish bonds: A review of consequences for the bereaved. Death Studies, 29, 477–494.
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